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17. Oktober 2017
Holotropic Breathing and why I like it
2. Mai 2018

I’m so full of shit

Something inside myself insists heavly on not writing this and I don’t feel comfortable saying this but I just realised how full of shit I am. I’m so full of shit, it’s almost insane. That probably comes with being a comedian and being a spiritual person – both domains that tend to attract full of shit people. I read the articles I wrote or watch the videos that I made and I’m like: Am I living that shit myself? I wrote an article about gratefulness and people liked it. Now I find myself bitching these days a lot. Where is my gratitude now?

It’s always easy to write or say something positive and inspiring when you’re doing kinda well. But often I seem to fail at following the advices that I’m giving. I did and do therapy, I meditate, I took unreasonable amounts of psychedelics and it mislead me into believing that „I’m far“ and that „I know stuff“ about life. And yeah it might be true I made progress to a certain degree. Most of my time I feel like I’m still struggling with the same old issues that I’m carrying around for years. It’s the basics that I fail at. Building deep connections to other people. Going out and have a good night. Making money and taking care of myself.

I will probably keep struggling until I will realise from the bottom of my heart that there’s no need for struggle and that I probably just have to love myself and shit. And here is how full of shit I am: Right now I think „Oh Nikolai, you’re so brave for writing this“ and I’m actually hoping that people will comment on it and say things like „Respect for that brutal honesty“ and stuff. Maybe no one gives a shit about this article in the first place and I’ll be the only one reading it but anyway, I had to get this out. In case you expected something enlightening or uplifting in this article I’m sorry that you might have not found it. Maybe next time, bitches!! Seeya

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2 Kommentare

  1. Joaquin Villaseñor Navarro sagt:

    It is your best article, we are full of shit with awarenes. No place better. I read and read whatever it is what you write and I thank you, your words are wisdom, not only helped or saved my ass when I was getting nutts with my proces with Ayahuazca and others. Now I can be full of shit and is ok.

  2. Bobby B, of NY sagt:

    [i think] i know EXACTLY how you feel, man. [i think] i have been in the same exact situation as you where you are realizing that maybe you dont have the answers as you once thought. and maybe you were the only one that didnt know that you were wrong. this revelation is so fkn uncomfortable, scary and embarrassing. its like „i cant believe all that sht i said, all that stuff i told people“, „fuc, what if they believed me? what if they are using my advice? what if im effecting them? and since/if im wrong what if im effecting them in a bad way? fuc!, am i fkn people up!?! or what if they knew it was stupid and wrong and now they think im dumb as fuc? or, am i the only one that didnt know that i was dumb as fuc!?! am i retarded!?! does everybody know but me!?!“ lol @ me and my insecurities. i always get insecure like „what if they obviously knew i was wrong, or that it was obviously stupid and im just an oblivious idiot that didnt know cos i was too stupid or egotistical to be able to tell at the time?“ i get insecure and feel like i have to right the wrong by being honest with myself and the world about it. which always leads me to declaring it in a public forum like on facebook or twitter so everybody can know. every once in a while this happens to me. its always so cringe right after i do it. its always embarrassing. but it always feels like the right thing to do so i just do it and get it over with. im apparently lame, sometimes. i always declare it publicly becos i hope that i can atleast gain something spiritual from it. so dont feel bad bro, just admit it away.. 🙂 (also, i think everybody feels this way from time to time but dont have it in them to be able to admit it. so kudos bro, for braving the honesty. atleast you likely grew from it) (but also, i dont see how you’re wrong about that stuff. you said and wrote what you felt becos thats what you felt atm. you can feel differently or slip up afterwards, becos nobodys perfect, and people change and realize new sht as they go, as they integrate, as they experience, as they grow etc)

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