Something inside myself insists heavly on not writing this and I don’t feel comfortable saying this but I just realised how full of shit I am. I’m so full of shit, it’s almost insane. That probably comes with being a comedian and being a spiritual person – both domains that tend to attract full of shit people. I read the articles I wrote or watch the videos that I made and I’m like: Am I living that shit myself? I wrote an article about gratefulness and people liked it. Now I find myself bitching these days a lot. Where is my gratitude now?
It’s always easy to write or say something positive and inspiring when you’re doing kinda well. But often I seem to fail at following the advices that I’m giving. I did and do therapy, I meditate, I took unreasonable amounts of psychedelics and it mislead me into believing that „I’m far“ and that „I know stuff“ about life. And yeah it might be true I made progress to a certain degree. Most of my time I feel like I’m still struggling with the same old issues that I’m carrying around for years. It’s the basics that I fail at. Building deep connections to other people. Going out and have a good night. Making money and taking care of myself.
I will probably keep struggling until I will realise from the bottom of my heart that there’s no need for struggle and that I probably just have to love myself and shit. And here is how full of shit I am: Right now I think „Oh Nikolai, you’re so brave for writing this“ and I’m actually hoping that people will comment on it and say things like „Respect for that brutal honesty“ and stuff. Maybe no one gives a shit about this article in the first place and I’ll be the only one reading it but anyway, I had to get this out. In case you expected something enlightening or uplifting in this article I’m sorry that you might have not found it. Maybe next time, bitches!! Seeya